please no harsh comments...
I am married to a good man and before marriage I was not on the right track. I had numerous past sexual relations with other men. I changed my ways and am not that person. I was never entirely honest about my past with my husband. He knows about one previous relationship and accepted me regardless but not that I had relations with many. he thinks it was just one. I know at the time I should have told him the whole truth. Anyway we have been married for a long time now and I just can't shake the guilt and feel like i am living a lie. I want to tell him everything but I am so scared.
Please need advise.
Comments
The old adage is that we learn more from a defeat than from a victory. Exposing yourself to your past, "discrepancies" is a part of exposing your past sins and admitting your faults as a human being. If he is a good man, he will be forgiving.
It may take some time for him to digest the information, but in the end you married him because of the love you have for him, and he should always remember that.
This will make you stronger in your marriage, and spiritually as well. Seek guidance from your Abouna or your Spiritual Father so he may help to guide you as you grow more and more as a wife and daughter of Christ. Especially during such a wonderfully edifying time as Great Lent.
Untimatetly, it's your decision. If you feel it that pressing of an issue, let him know. Even if it is upsetting to him a good person would be forgiving in the end. Go with your heart.
I am not going to repeat anything @ItalianCoptic had said as I fully agree with him. I also know of other priests who will be of the opinion of your FoC. My FoC is actually the same. That opens up another question for me which @ItalianCoptic alluded to. If you come from a Western background I would completely understand your position and encourage you to open up. However if you are Egyptian or if your husband is, it is better to leave it now. Being consumed with guilt makes me feel that you are still having CURRENT issues and you are seeking some kind of approval. I think you need help, but you won't find this necessarily from your husband (but of course we are all different, and perhaps generalising is not a good thing - he may be Egyptian and more understanding than a Western guy). All in all, I think you need to work through your difficulties first, before being open and honest about them. It is God only who forgives sins and closes old wounds, not your husband, FoC, previous relationships, or anyone else. Please give it time - in the heat of your guilt things may easily go wrong with the most understanding husband ever, but when you are calmer, having worked through your difficulties, you can then admit them, or lay them to rest as your FoC had said, and your conscience will be clear. So please try to get some help for this.. God be with you and be with all of us and blot out all my iniquities before and after marriage..