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Have no hopes left. I lost god in my life

copticatheart
edited May 2017 in Faith Issues
This is a long story with many details and really I dont know where to start.  Its just blabber for the most part but I need to be waken up, I need to stop the nonsense that has gotten into me but I dont know how.

I am very very tired of myself and I feel like no matter what I cannot come back to god. Ive lost complete control over myself and although I am not suicidal or never have been, I feel like there is no hope left for me. Because really theres not, and you would all agree if you heard what Ive done. No one on this earth can help me, not even a saint - because one has tried. I am a lost cause. And I dont know what to freakin do. Im losing my sanity. No one understands me and I dont freakin listen to advice given to me. So then why am I coming here if all that can be offered to me is advice?  I dont know, but Im not doing anything to help myself, but thats because I feel like theres no hope. Theres no point. Everytime I want to get up and pray, I cant. I cant push myself to do it. And even if I finally give in to try, I cant continue.  I cant go to church. I cant do anything in my life right. Everything is wrong. I was kicked out of university for no reason other than I am depressed. I cant even study. Even though it is easy. But I cant. And I always blamed it on my mom because she's never tried to understand me and never appreciated anything Ive ever done in my life, and always beat me harshly but its all just excuses. And Im not here for a psychological analysis. All I want is to get back close to God. The root of all of my problems is my sin that I cannot stop loving it for the life of me. I know if I get close to God all of my issues will be resolved.

One thing that is for certain though is that I believe in God and our coptic faith 100%. I have never doubted the existence of god because I have tasted what it was like to have a relationship with God. I knew what it was like to pray and to see God's replies in strange ways. I knew what it was like to want to give your life to him and live to only serve his name because of the great love for him, because he is an amazing God.

Got in contact with a old monk named Abouna Angelous El Antony, because my grandma has a connection to him. I didnt deserve to talk to him or his servant. They told me to stop what Im doing and I told them that I couldnt because I love it.  And I cant stop it. They still had hope in me, but then a person can only help a person if they want to be helped and I want to be helped but I cant get myself to stop. Used to talk to him a few times a week for 6 months.

I feel like el sheytan has taken complete control over my mind. All I could think of is hopelessness and negativity. I used to cry alot because I was far away from God, and I tried to pray a lot and ask God to help me come back or give me desire even, and I just kept falling further and further in sin. To the point that I stopped praying all together because I felt like God didnt want to listen anymore because of my sin. And Ive gotten to grow cold and 100% indifferent to sin. Its been 5 years since I was close to God.

Now I cant come back.....Ive switched father of confessions twice, Ive talked to Abouna Angelos. Even at my uni I went to see a psychologist and she didnt understand because she doesnt get the religious side of it. She offered medication, but I dont want chemicals to fix me. I want God to fix me. But I know I can only come back to god through prayer but I cant!! I really cant

Now Im getting kicked out of my uni for the second time. And the problem is I dont even care. I dont care because I have no feelings or emotions anymore. But my poor parents....Im an only child, but Im a disgrace. And all of the lack of blessings in our family rn, I feel like its because of me

There is a huge wall between me and god and I cant find the energy to work through it. I know it takes hard work, but everytime I simply stand, I say its impossible. Because it is, because I love this sin Im doing....in fact Im happy. Why? Because I was never allowed to do crap growing up. I was not allowed to have friends even. And now that I found friends, even if its behind their back, even if its online, I am happy talking to them. They do not teach me anything wrong. They arent brainwashing me, they arent telling me what to do. All it is lighthearted, intellectual, simple, conversation ina group chat setting. We've known each other for 2 years and are trusting and honest with each other. We know each others last names, addresses, facebooks, snapchats. They are like a normal group of friends that Ive trusted after getting to know them for 2 years, and I dont want to leave them. Theyre the closest to normal Ive ever felt. A few of the girls are close to god, and Im thankful, but I hate how its behind my parents back, and its a sin, because I prefer talking to them over praying or church.

And I dont know what to do with myself....how to stop failing....how to stop being hopeless....how to stop hurting my family with my failure

I really need help
I am tired and I feel like no matter what I cant get back to my original nature.
Ive turned into this selfish, cold-hearted, impassive, emotionless, careless person....and I used to be opposite.


Comments

  • JoshuaaJoshuaa
    Hi copticatheart,
    First of all, I would try and turn the table around to your mum. A Catholic priest once gave me advice and that was to hug my mum and my dad and it turned out to be the greatest advice as I had never done that before. I appreciated them so much after that and felt closer before they died. But if you you don't feel appreciated by your mum, then maybe you can turn that around by showing her appreciation. It will be like you teaching her what closeness is about. Give her a hug please.
    Next, forgive yourself for you are not perfect, but you can only be the best you can according to your abilities.
    I guess you know the parable about the prodigal son. Well. he only came to the realization of how bad things were was when he had to share with the pigs food. After that it was a journey back to his father. I guess that's where you're at.
    We are not perfect, but sometimes it is expected of us and we can find it demanding. It can change a want into need when really it is just a want. Needs are important but wants are not and can be confused and misconstrued. Your parents want you to be successful but their felling might be you need to be successful. Because they maybe successful they already have what is perfect. But really it is in the processes. It is your ability to learn to do these things without undue pressure and bit by bit, building yourself up
    (along with Christ I pray).
    So start your journey back with a hug for mum and maybe apologize to her for the way things happened. Which the prodigal son did to his father in saying treat me as one of your servants. All this for the sake of closeness, without judgment.
    After that to be yourself, you will have to build up some resilience that problems will have less affect on you. First you will have to quieten the storm. When we are anxious we think too much and resort to what is going to comfort us. Mainly sinful things. We have to find a distraction away from the sin and to know what triggers it.
    I think it maybe anxiety to the demands of perfection. Every time you feel this demand you are lost. What your distraction away from the sin is I'm not sure at the moment as you said you find it differcult to pray. Try to find something better to do ie sports.
    When you are alone (maybe bedroom) and say I'm sorry mum and repeat it with the thought that Jesus is right there. Your emotions may return to you. Reconciliation is a differcult peace and it's not about controlling or being controlled as you will find you don't have to because you have forgiven yourself and others.

    May our Lord God show you His peace and bring it to your heart.
  • mikeforjesusmikeforjesus
    edited May 2017
    Your life has a lot of similarities to mine.
    People might or might not understand you however they don't want to let you stay that way but if they do they should show they understand. Atleast for my family who at first denied my depression when I showed that I was struggling to improve they did try to understand and help me
    Be comforted that God can revive the spirit of the humble. All things are possible with God. So get up have courage and run the race. Keep trying even if things are not changing. May God help all who seek His face
  • JoshuaaJoshuaa
    Hi copticatheart and mikeforjesus,

     Copticatheart touched the source of the problem with depression, and that is apprecation. Apprecation comes from when we praise something; we say thats great, but depression because of lack of praise does not feel anything great, so there is a lack of reward for achievement. We must forgive our parents at this stage for when they bring us up they need to praise everything that you can do by yourself. Give you a sense of achievement. Even I find it very hard to praise myself. I will try to help.
      You may or may not know Robin Williams the actor, he had severe depression. He found it very easy to make others laugh about themselves and each other, but when it came to his himself there was a depreciating to the extend that in his will he did not want any advertisting of his movies showen for the next twenty years (I Ithink it is).

       This may be hard at first, but I would like you guys to, if you could pray to God, thanking Him for the small things that you can do yourself. It might be the simplest thing like getting yourself ready in the morning, or been on time for something Let God work in you to show apprecaion of your accomplishments. I will try and compile a list of ways you can start a prayer. I"ll work on it.


  • ItalianCopticItalianCoptic
    Copticaheart,

    Please Private Message me if you have time.
  • Abate
    The biggest solution to any problem is knowing the problem itself. you have not made exactly what you've been through. is the problem really what you mentioned? Okay, then, from this moment on do what you have to do. what makes you happy may be the wrong thing. your mum is your mum. she don't change. try to make her feel good. is it a big for you to do that if she's one of the problems. but still your case is not clear.. there is nothing impossible with GOD. don't you ever forget that.
  • JoshuaaJoshuaa
    I think mikeforjesus spotted and knew what copticatheart is going through. That there is something lacking, and I think copticatheart correctly identified the problem when he/she said there was a lack of appreciation both in getting and therefore recieving.
      It not about blaming for those responsible but looking at the situation instead and how to fix the situation. For some people it is easy to give and recieve thanks and it is apart of their normal life, but for some it is differcult because their mind just isn't on that situation. It's like if you are eating something and you have eaten it quickly, you have not enjoyed it as much as if you ate it slowly taking in the full tastes and textures of what you were eating. In other words because you ate it quickly you didn't appreicate it as much and missed it's fullness.
     So to transform a situation from a lack of appreciation (without blame) to one where we are thankful is one that needs to be introduced then re-inforced by repetition (prayer). When it comes to those we are involved with in this we need forgiveness that we are all united for it is forgiveness that changes and joins.

      I have written some prayers for now:

         Thank you Lord for granting me success in ........

         Thank you Lord for granting me the accomplishment in doing the task of .......

         Thank you Lord for inspiring me with good ideas and good thoughts on/with/regarding ......

         Thank you Lord for showing me the beauty in your great works in.......

        And to end the prayer with forgiveness:

           and I seek forgiveness towards my mum amd myself that we are healed by Your gracious hand. Have mercy upon us according to
          You will forever. Amen.

          Maybe you can start in the small things that you do yourself in your life copticatheart and remember them each day for your praye.
          It may feel foriegn and even uncomformable at first, but try to practise a thankful prayer as much as you can.
     
         God help and heal you copticatheart.
         
  • JoshuaaJoshuaa
    Appreciation gives value to things and is why maybe you stuggle with works mike and are forgiving in ( faith only) with protestants.
  • mikeforjesusmikeforjesus
    Thankyou Joshuaa :) I appreciate your kind words
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