Posting because I have nowhere else to go, I'm sorry.
Coptic male in his 20s, nearly graduated college. All through college I've felt alone and isolated - not socially, I have made friendships that I'm sure will last a lifetime. No, I've felt isolated because of the way our culture is about dating and relationships.
What's made it even more difficult is that there is no one I can talk to about this. I barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters. I'm an ordained deacon, but perform my duties in a perfunctory way. I come from a small church - there are no females my age who are Coptic I can even associate with.
It's so difficult. So so painful. For years I've seen so many people around me have relationships, fall in love, break up, get married, the whole spectrum. And I'm stuck, I feel like there is a chain tied around my neck that extends into the sky, with God holding me back. I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this. Because the moment I want to, I feel like my body is trapped in this cruel box of rules and regulations, in which a potential partner must be Orthodox and most likely culturally Egyptian for me to even bother. I think to myself, hell what's the point? If I tell her how I feel, I know I can't have a future.
I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated, I can't talk to anyone. I feel deeply angry at God, which I know sounds ludicrous to you, because it certainly does to me. But right now, I feel like God is torturing me. I'm in a pressure-cooker. I've endured and endured like this for so long, burying feelings, pushing people away, not being able to be honest with anyone and what have I gained? What have I reaped? Nothing but anguish.
What sort of religion is this? Is this what God wants, for me to be alone and miserable always? When will it end?
Comments
Inpain, I don't want you to take my advice negatively. I only wish to expound to you what I learned the hard way. By being taught and reading some invaluable material on it.
I once read in unseen warfare that self pity is perhaps one of the most deceptive traps the devil can lay for you. I want you to underline the words “self-pity” & “deceptive” many times in your mind. Meaning that the feeling of emotional despondency and self withdrawal because something isn't going our way is paving the way for despair & more serious spiritual illnesses. We’re ill from this to various degrees.
Ironically there's some pleasure in self pity because the devil likes to convince us that we're victims of something or someone. You aren't a victim. While I trust you truly feel the way you do you ought to look beyond yourself.
In your post you admitted some profound things like “I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this.” Is this not your choice that you didn’t tell them? Why is God to blame?
Again you said “barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters”. Is this not one of the most essential components of our vocation as Orthodox Christians? How can you expect to have a relationship with God that is full and discernible without the church herself in the form of a priest and his guidance clearly void from your life? So we know our spiritual shortfalls yet we still want things from God. Not that we can be perfect, but lets at least try. And resist to the “shedding of blood” as St Paul tells us.
Could we survive in a marriage without having our spiritual life corrected first? Perhaps God is trying to save you from something out of its proper time. I’m not bringing up your pain to remind you of it arbitrarily. I only want people to see especially ones who’ve grown up in the west and have been taught to obey every emotion and thought on a whim of how dangerous it is.
You aren’t a victim, believe me. And don’t let society convince you of it. You have more food in your stomach and cloth on your back than most in the world, especially ones being butchered in the mid east right now. Again my comparison isn’t to make light of your situation. But finding a girl and marrying her is a serious thing. It’s a priestly vocation and a church that is consecrated to God. If God were to grant me that because I’ve somehow graduated and now feel ready then it displays a misunderstanding of His timing & wisdom. Forgive me once again. I know people here will pounce on me for sounding harsh but I’m fine with it because the truth needs to be said and sometimes the people who are hurt need to be hurt a little more in order to see through a deceptive cloud.
Your willingness to come here and ask for help reveals your humble heart but we can still be more humble and release the shackles of self pity. It’s such a poison. I speak from experience & believe me, it’ll devour you.
Don’t convince yourself you’re angry at God nor is He torturing you. He only wants your salvation & trust that His timing will come. You can help His timing by becoming more of what He wants you to be. Pray to God to humanize you, to make you the man He sees you to be. To make you the Christian who is loving and charitable and devoid of self pity. Only then will your spiritual life be corrected & perhaps a glimpse of His will in your life will become more discernible. Partake of the sacraments with confidence not with weakness. Love God by choice and not by emotion. Look at the fathers, look at the current martyrs of Libya. Young men in their 20s like you who accepted what was given to them. No self-pity, no denial of their God. Pure love and confidence that His will is being done. Are we at their level? Perhaps not. But work at the level you’re at. Pray without ceasing. Meditate on the suffering of our Lord and his followers past, present and certainly the future. We’re sojourners. Let whatever come, come.
If we continue to be weak and self pitying, granting every emotion its due right and time then we’ll be swallowed whole without any work from the devil. Love God in confidence & truth and He will provide you with the person you’re meant to be with. In His time. In His wisdom. Believe me.
Forgive me and I’m praying for you.
- neither have I, that's why I visit the forum here
Coptic male in his 20s, nearly graduated college. All through college I've felt alone and isolated - not socially, I have made friendships that I'm sure will last a lifetime. No, I've felt isolated because of the way our culture is about dating and relationships.
- similar situation here, but I also feel socially isolated even though I have friends.
What's made it even more difficult is that there is no one I can talk to about this. I barely see my father of confession, my spiritual life is in tatters.
- Same. But for me it's because there is no priest I can talk to who is nearby. The one I felt comfortable talking to is about 5hrs away! So I feel that I am not part of the church really.
I'm an ordained deacon, but perform my duties in a perfunctory way. I come from a small church - there are no females my age who are Coptic I can even associate with.
- even if there were people from the opposite sex your age...if they do not have similar mentalities it's really frustrating. Just because people go to the same church, doesn't mean they all get along fine. So the problem isn't just that the congregation is small, it is also about meeting people that you have something in common with other than God.
It's so difficult. So so painful. For years I've seen so many people around me have relationships, fall in love, break up, get married, the whole spectrum.
- I'm also struggling a lot with this. I just wish there were people I could trust, or people who understand me. I don't worry too much about the getting married part because that's a major step, but I wish there were suitable people that I could date with the intention of marriage in the future.
And I'm stuck, I feel like there is a chain tied around my neck that extends into the sky, with God holding me back.
- I do feel stuck but I never felt that God is holding me back. However awful I felt, I never could even fantasise about living without my christianity - it is all I know how to be and even the thought of my life without my faith is inconceivable.
I've met so many great girls I've developed feelings for and not once, not ever have I been able to tell them, to express this.
- as in physical attraction? Well, for me, I somehow do not feel attracted to anyone until I speak to them and get to know them. And my heart can't fall for someone who doesn't have a similar lifestyle to mine.
While you maybe attracted to them and think that if only they would approach you...the truth is, they won't live up to your subconscious standards. By these standards I mean integrity, monogamy and so many other things. Most people in society nowadays date for the sake of dating, no proper intentions of a life-long commitment. Yes you'll find the rare few who do, but they would still fail when it comes to faith and other very important factors.
Because the moment I want to, I feel like my body is trapped in this cruel box of rules and regulations,
- Are you sure there is no element of social anxiety towards the opposite sex? I am quite shy myself and I think that is another obstacle in my way. But also its your conscience. Your heart know and your "gut feeling" will tell you if you shouldn't be trying to get close to someone who isn't christian, (notice I say "christian" not specifically coptic).
in which a potential partner must be Orthodox and most likely culturally Egyptian for me to even bother. I think to myself, hell what's the point? If I tell her how I feel, I know I can't have a future.
- well, ask yourself this: what is the reason behind your decision? Is it because your family won't approve? Or people from church will frown on it? Or is it because of your faith? For me, it is because of my faith that I do not allow myself to get close to someone where it is so clearly not going to work out because of fundamental differences in beliefs and personal choices.
It sounds like you are almost trying to test the waters, being tempted "why not, let me try just the once" but the Holy Spirit in you is resisting?
I'm so angry, I'm so frustrated, I can't talk to anyone. I feel deeply angry at God, which I know sounds ludicrous to you, because it certainly does to me.
- I get so angry that I hate myself and I hate my life. Literally depressed sometimes. And no, I can't talk to anyone about this because my uni friends do not understand my lifestyle choices and peeps from church are judgemental and put on images of perfection...so I can't be honest with them and show my vulnerability.
I even talked to God after coming across a verse about His love for me, and said God, your love isn't enough, I need more.
But right now, I feel like God is torturing me.
- Free will. God isn't forcing you to do anything. The path to salvation isn't easy. But you are free to choose your own path and have whatever you want. What do you choose?
I'm in a pressure-cooker. I've endured and endured like this for so long, burying feelings, pushing people away, not being able to be honest with anyone and what have I gained? What have I reaped? Nothing but anguish.
- I'm told that the gain isn't in this life ;) so unfortunately if you're looking for the reward right now you may be disappointed. Although I believe God knows our needs and does provide. And if he withholds something from us, it's because he knows we can handle it. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle..but "handle" doesn't mean that we are happy and without suffering.
I feel that I am suffering. Every. Single. Day.
What sort of religion is this? Is this what God wants, for me to be alone and miserable always? When will it end?
- sometimes I think maybe this is my cross in this life. Maybe I will never be in a relationship. I just have to deal with it.
Is this what God wants? I don't know, why don't you ask him? . God does have a plan for every one of us, but we can choose to follow it, or create our own path. If you create your own path, he'll still help you, but it might be even harder than the path he has for you.
Will it end? Yes.
when? When your life ends and you can hopefully join the party in heaven :) because whether we are alone or in relationships, we are still persevering..but in different ways.
Anyways, tell me what you think.
"(notice I say "christian" not specifically coptic)"
I would rather you rephrased this in a way that uses the word 'Orthodox'. That way we can discuss what you really mean. 'Coptic', as I'm sure you know, is a culture not a religion.
I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
- I do feel stuck but I never felt that God is holding me back. However awful I felt, I never could even fantasise about living without my christianity - it is all I know how to be and even the thought of my life without my faith is inconceivable.