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I'm a mess

pomegranate
edited September 2014 in Faith Issues
Hi, I am new to this forum and am looking for some guidance as I am disgusted with the person I have become.

I no longer have a relationship with God, I feel that He is almost completely absent from my life - if you saw me in the street it would not cross your mind that I am Coptic Orthodox. I have many sins that have lodged themselves in my life and they are so deeply embedded to the point where I don't feel guilty for some of them anymore. I have trouble trusting God and feeling his presence, I do not pray and fast very little. I masturbate and watch pornography, and every time I try to stop the devil takes over again and I go back to how I was before. I lie and swear around my friends and feel completely dirty because of it. 

I am 20 years old, and my best friend is 19. She fell in love with an Orthodox boy last year and they are planning to get engaged some time in the future. I have wanted what she has for a very long time and seeing her with him, talking on the phone with him, even talking to me about him, makes me deeply jealous and resentful of her. I have gotten angry and bargained with God so many times for a guy to be interested in me, but since I can't see His plan and nothing new is happening I just get more upset and further away from Him. 

I have made an appointment with my FOC later today (for the first time in almost a year) but I don't know what he will think of me, honestly I am scared to let everything out to him because I think I'm too far away from God to be able to come back and be as godly as some of my friends. I feel like I don't belong at church as everyone has such an amazing relationship with God and fully trusts Him, but I don't feel this way at all and have strayed from Him completely.

Please help :(

Comments

  • ReturnOrthodoxyReturnOrthodoxy
    Pomegranate,

    Welcome to the Church. The House of God which He has lovingly also made into the house of the "messed." If you look to your right, as we walk through the door, you will find those who sit at His right hand. Some of the messiest of them all, believe me, are among those. The church has never been a museum of the Holy. It is a hospital for the broken, like you and me. And what a great God he is that he has no interest in those who are Holy of their own accord. He is looking for those who are MADE holy by Him. So while, yes, we have our sins (many of which I share with you), it is worth noting that God loves us COMPLETELY not only despite our sins, but even in them. He hates the sins since it is is nature. But His nature is also to love us regardless. 

    You took the best step today. Talking to your FOC. I don't know what he will think of you either. But I don't know of many people who, having tasted the grace of God's mercy are able to judge others. He won't judge you. Do not compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to Christ and his saints. You have no idea what is in the life of those peoplr you compare yourself with, and so you are putting unnecessary standards for yourself, when the only standard is to "draw near to God, and he will draw near to you."

    You have a wrong view of the church my sister! You think that the church is a place where the Holy are gathered to sing nice songs, talk about how Jesus is their one and only everything, and how happy they are being sinless. But ask St. Moses the Black, St. Paeisa, St. Mary of Egypt. Ask St. Demas (the right hand thief), St. Ephraim the Syrian, Blessed Augustine. They will tell you to the contrary. The church is where we criminals are gathered, asking God for mercy. And where He promises it to us.

    Be strong and take courage. And while you make a strong and powerful step today, please ask God to help me make my own. 

    In the words of David Mangan, "God loves you, and theres nothing you can do about it."

    Raymond 
  • qawe
    "Blessed" Augustine?
    inb4 30 pages of posts.

    RE David Mangan, apparently: "David was one of the participants on the retreat in February of 1967 where events took place that are often marked as the beginning of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal. He has served as a leader and teacher in Catholic renewal movements"
    https://www.renewalministries.net/?module=Events&event=Speaker&speakerID=6
  • ReturnOrthodoxyReturnOrthodoxy
    Didn't say I liked him, endorsed him or anything like that. The quote is funny and cute, and on point, though. :P

    As for Blessed Augustine. It puts me in center ground between those who consider him saint, and those who consider him not. He was "a good dude."

    Ray
  • mabsootamabsoota
    try my favourite sermon:


    may God give you strength to walk back to Him.
    it's a long process. the bad spirits don't want you to get back to God.
    they know how dangerous you will be to them when you bring back other people to God as a result of your repentance.
    so ignore them. keep returning to God. pray and repent every day.
    say with David the psalmist: 'so i will teach the sinners your ways'
    (from the introduction to every hour of the agpeya).
    don't give up. repent every day and pray till you know God's peace. 
  • antonypaul
    edited October 2014
    +


    Rejoice, because it is sinners who God loves, it is sinners who God heals, and it is sinners who love the most. All of us are full of love and have trouble directing it. Don't worry about your addictions, don't worry about judgment, don't worry about these things but put your hope and love and trust in Him who loves us in spite of us. :) Meditate on Him more than your sins, and then the healing from the bonds of sin can take place when you understand the context of a relationship.

    In the words of Abouna Matta:

    “The sinner thinks that sin prevents him from seeking God, whereas it is for this that Christ has descended to ask for man! Is it not that God has come to the flesh of man to cure its illness and redeem him from the sin that has ruled over him, and to raise him from the curse of death? Sin is no longer able to sever the sinner from God after he has sent his Son and paid the price—the whole price—on the cross. ”
    Excerpt From: Fr Matta El-Meskeen. “Repentance.”

    Feel free to reach out any time.

    Pray for me,
    ap
  • [Deleted User]
    edited October 2014
    "I feel like I don't belong at church as everyone has such an amazing relationship with God and fully trusts Him, but I don't feel this way at all and have strayed from Him completely."

    You'll be surprised how many of us act. And youre not alone on how youre feeling
  • boxa11
    Pomegranate, remember God loved you first. You tube "everything skit" and tell me if you like it
  • mnc_hnnmnc_hnn
    Hi Pomegranate, it's been a few months since you posted this so I hope things are better by now. Since its Valentine's Day already, I wish everyone a happy Valentine's Day.

    For you and for anybody who can relate to this. It is okay to want to be loved. But to understand love, we need to make God our one. The number one priority in your heart should be God. Otherwise no matter how many guys/gals show interest in you, you cannot be fully satisfied

    I did the same thing you mentioned before (bargaining with God). That's basically saying "hi God, I want what she's having because I'm so jealous and she looks so happy. Can you give me someone to love me?"
    The thing is I was having a one way conversation with the one who loves me the most. Not giving him a chance to say anything to me, then getting angry because "he isn't listening".
    God wants to be your love. Once you take that step, you will never regret it. And no, loving God does not mean he will give you what you want. He knows our needs, weaknesses and what we long for. Hopefully what you are looking for is what God sees for you, but sometimes it is not and we need to come to accept this.


    It's time to do some soul-searching, reading and researching on what is love?

    Here's a start:

    Love

    And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭13‬)

    > "The ultimate longing we have as humans is to be fully known and fully loved"

    We love because he first loved us...This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. (‭1 John‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬,19)

    Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (‭1 Peter‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬)

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
    Love never fails. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4-8‬)


    “When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep.
    And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
    And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
    Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......

    But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

    Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

    Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love.
    And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."

    But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
    To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
    To know the pain of too much tenderness.
    To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.”
    ― Khalil Gibran
  • ForeverYoursForeverYours
    This is my all-time favorite quote and it speaks an entire lifetime worth of wisdom:

    “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.”

    ― Augustine of Hippo
  • mabsootamabsoota
    good post.
    and i loved the one by mnc_hnn, especially this bit:
    The thing is I was having a one way conversation with the one who loves me the most. Not giving him a chance to say anything to me, then getting angry because "he isn't listening". 
    God wants to be your love. Once you take that step, you will never regret it. 

    pomegranate has not signed in since october (may God guide her / him), but the advice is great for anyone else who does sign in.
    :)
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