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Friendship & Yourself
Peace,
Perhaps the community here can help me answer and solve the following predicament.
For some time now, I have felt quite distant and removed from many friends. Same with family and people I have known for years. In a lot of ways, I feel I'm hardened inside and have come not to really 'care' about those close to me. Strangely enough, I have a very strong desire to counsel people, tend to people's concerns, and help people heal in Christ. But within me, I keep a very clear distance. Many have noticed about me and some of my friendships have suffered because of this.
I'd appreciate anything to help me understand this situation. You all are supportive and helpful on here. I'm not looking for a killer answer - I just want some guidance and/or experiences.
In the Good Lord,
Mina.
Perhaps the community here can help me answer and solve the following predicament.
For some time now, I have felt quite distant and removed from many friends. Same with family and people I have known for years. In a lot of ways, I feel I'm hardened inside and have come not to really 'care' about those close to me. Strangely enough, I have a very strong desire to counsel people, tend to people's concerns, and help people heal in Christ. But within me, I keep a very clear distance. Many have noticed about me and some of my friendships have suffered because of this.
I'd appreciate anything to help me understand this situation. You all are supportive and helpful on here. I'm not looking for a killer answer - I just want some guidance and/or experiences.
In the Good Lord,
Mina.
Comments
Maybe this is a result of something that happened to you recently, some type of a turning point? Do you feel like you are the only person who understands your life? That may be something that causes you to keep your distance, because you might feel like nobody understands you. Aways remember that your family and friends love you no matter what, and that you will always be valuable in their eyes. Talk to them and ask them in what ways they've noticed this change.
You said that you like to tend to people's concerns, and that's wonderful. But in the same respect, you should also tend to your concerns. 'Love your neighbor as yourself." Sure, this means that the love you have for yourself share with others, but it can also go the other way. If this wasn't your problem, and it was somebody elses, you would try and help them to the best of your ability correct? In the process of aiding others, don't forget about yourself. I once heard a priest say, "A servant can never take those he serves somewhere that he himself has never gone." So, from a different perspective, if somebody else had this same problem, you wouldn't be able to help them either, because you yourself have not conquered this weakness.
Try and go to places with your family and friends more often. Plan something for a Saturday when none of you are busy. I don't know if your church has youth meetings or not, it probably does, but socialize a little after that. Pray to God and he will guide you and help you out of this problem.
I hope I was of any help to you, and may God deliver you out of this problem, so that you may benefit, and that you may be able to help others with this same problem.
God Bless You
LHM
Thanks a lot for your reply. I appreciate your care.
Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with experiences in the past six months. I can easily withdraw from people for weeks on end. I have a strained relationship with my family and my parents living on another continent doesn't help. Not to be wholly negative, I have often thought and desired a better relationship with my parents. I think we all want that.
I have thought about writing them a very long, candid letter. I don't know what change it will effect - at least I know I tried. I'll be doing a lot of thinking out loud on this thread until I get some clarity so whoever reads, let them have bayshans. :)
I am tending to myself now more than before. I spend more time on my hobbies and interests. I try to do those things I couldn't do while I was at college. I strive to take care of my health in all aspects. That's the weird thing I guess - I am learning to 'love' myself. However, I can do without friendship. I can't do without caring for others, but friendships for myself can be lived without. Is that wrong? Does that violate Christian ethic? I can pretty much live on my own, interacting with people when need be.
My greatest fear is that if I can do without friendship, then I may be holding back from doing the one thing I dream to do: to love all unconditionally.
What do people think?
Mina.
Your parents living on another continent doesn't make things much easier. Of course you will not always be in touch with them, but it's always nice to send them letters and call them every once in a while, I think it's a great idea to write them a long letter.
In my opinion, I think to love unconditional love, you have to interact with them, and to take and give. God is always there for us because He loves us unconditionally. Also, I think just for the sake of our well-being, it's nice to communicate with people. And if you isolate yourself a lot, it may become a habit, and God forbid, lead to depression or something of that sort.
But it's wonderful that you're starting to care for yourself more, because I think that if somebody isn't well, how can they help somebody? I heard a priest once say, "If somebody is wobbling on a log trying to help somebody in the water, how can he help him, until he himself is stabilized in order to offer a hand to anybody?" I hope your problem is resolved, and I'm sure you're saying, "That girl again?" So, I'll leave it to somebody else to answer.
LHM
No man, lol I appreciate you're back again! Thank you for your time and care.
I was at the annual youth convention this year in my area and I thought a lot about this question of mine. I sorta stepped out of myself when I was walking around, talking to people and I concluded,"Maybe there is a greater purpose for feeling like this..." And I felt by the end of the convention, that it isn't so bad after all to be dependent on friends or family. The Lord wants us to depend on Him wholly, right? But it's always good to have friends and family. They're all blessings. :)
LHM and others, what do you think?
sotirmou.
i'm mary by the way.. :)
No, as Matt said, it is indeed Greek. But Matt lol, it's not ancient. It's Koine Greek - the Greek of the New Testament.
sotirmou
It means "I am of the light of the world."
;D sotirmou.
My greatest fear is that if I can do without friendship, then I may be holding back from doing the one thing I dream to do: to love all unconditionally."
You know, i may as well have written that myself. Thats EXACTLY what i'm going thru.
I've come to a "develop me" stage - i'm working so much more on my instrument, my sport, i've picked up another language, and i'm trying to take my personal spiritual life a lil' more seriously... in the meantime - i've distanced myself from my friends... i mean, i still care for them and if they need something i'll do it in a heartbeat - but its not like things were when we were younger - but the wierd thing is, i'm content with this. I feel i'm doing "fine" without the intimate friendships i used to have with so many people. I know this is gonna sound cold and heartless - but its truely how i feel. I'm content without them. They're no longer much more than "Hi Bye" friends - and, if need be, we'll converse a lil' more - but its not a norm.
I'm perfectly certain i'm gonna come across as quite hypocritical right now - but here goes anyway, this is something i will need to pray about so that i have the strength to practice it.
I don't think that we were made to do this on our own [Live a Christian life in this world] - and for some reason - i'm not exactly sure what the reason is - but for some reason, the way we're doing things doesn't *feel* liike its what God wills [there i am again going off about *feelings* :-[ ]
I don't know... i think we need to talk this thru - keep talking and maybe something will come out that will help somewhere...
I think you may be right - is this really *unconditional love* - then again - if we were to love EVERYONE that way... i mean, thats just impossible - theres no time for staters! OR perhaps love need not be expressed - perhaps its just something that you have inside you... you know, just knowing that you love them and that you would do anything for them if they asked you [but then again, do we have to wait till they ask us??? or should be just be doing it "keda we khalas" ... ]
You see - with me - i feel as though its past experiences that have pulled us apart... like, one of my closest friends ever for e.g. started hanging out with a group of people who, lets just say, don't run by the same values i do - i mean, this was her choice - and i need to accept that - but i can no longer talk with her like i used to. I've lost touch with some of my other friends simply cause we're "busy" - everybody is doing their own thing during the week be it work/study - then comes the weekend - one of those days is at church, the other is probably with family - and the cycle continues - i'm really not too sure - i don't think i've said anything of value - however i know that i'm in the same boat and could use some help too.
I've just officially made this more complicated than it was initially :'( Oh man... please keep talking - just say anything and perhaps we can try work thru this logically [ha. not that i have much of that at the moment - but lets pray for it ;) ]
Wow... to find a like-minded soul in the same situation. The Lord is good. :)
You're right, we're not meant to live as Christians alone in the world. Alone in the sense of cut off and trying to live with Christ isolated. That's the whole point of Church - the community of believers, living together around the Throne of Mercy. However, the main question is: are we dependent on that community more than our dependence on Christ? The highest goal is to depend on Christ in that community, and not the other way around.
Well, feelings are just feelings. I spent a good part of this week wallowing in feelings. But feelings don't have any truth; Christ is Truth. So we may feel that often being so alone is wrong, but it isn't. I have to come to think that the more content you are on being on your own, actually the better you will do better with friends and society. Because then you're operating from a point of strength and not weakness. You're reaching out for friends because it's good to have friends, and not because you can't live without them. Finding that security and rest in yourself through Christ, I have found, is the beginning to true contentment in life.
I am still young and as a child in this matter of true love. But as I strive to learn about Christ, I realize that love is effortless. It requires no thought or no worry. It's just something so easily expressed. You can't stop it and you can't force it. I often struggle with the same thoughts, god child, and say,"How can I love my family more? How can I do this or that?"
No no, lol you haven't made anything complicated. You're just venting a lot of things at once and hey, this is a safe place for venting! :) I've struggled this issue of friendship for years and years. I've realized that some friends will come and go. The real ones can stay and some can go, but if they're really real, then they'll always pick up again, no matter how long it was since the last time you picked up. People grow, change, get busy with things, priorities change, and we can't change it, you know? In the end, what's most important is that we don't lose ourselves when we lose friends. And even more, we don't lose sense of ourselves.
Don't know if I have made much sense either. Let me know. lol
sotirmou.
OK. Here goes. Again.
"Wow... to find a like-minded soul in the same situation. The Lord is good." - wouldn't it be nice if i had something of value to say :) or at least a nice and simple answer to the original question :)
I can't possibly argue against the fact that we need to depend MORE on Christ than we do on the community. But to a certain extent they are inextricably linked. You know, being Orthodox, we DEPEND on the community for so much stuff. I mean, the Eucharist/Liturgy, Confession, and the other sacraments... we NEED these as Orthodox ppl, in order to draw nearer to Christ faster. I mean, if we were some other denomination, then perhaps community [or Kononia as you put it] perhaps that wouldn't matter so much... but if you're Orthodox, its almost unavoidable...
"Finding that security and rest in yourself through Christ, I have found, is the beginning to true contentment in life." - i guess thats the other side to it. That you can be in a community and still content on your own [with Christ ofcourse] - and thats how this conversation started. I think we were both saying that that is how we feel.
You said something though that i have to question. You said "love is effortless" - now, perhaps we're talking about different types of love... but to me, sometimes loving takes ALOT of effort. I mean, if there is someone that i truely dislike, however, i make a concious decision in my mind that i am going to love them [even though i don't *feel* like it] simply because its God's commandment - at first - this is alot of hard work... but later on down the track, i've found that God is faithful and He rewards that effort and it no longer becomes something i do blindly/with effort, but rather, it becomes something that comes naturally... get me?? - One could argue that the fact that it is initially forced must not make it love... however... i don't know... i think thats too technical for me :-X
Ummm... what was the original question?? ??? I've gone sooooo off the topic. Ok. Unconditional love. Thats right.
What is unconditional love?? I think i need a definition, that would help. I mean, is it simply not hating people?? Being on "good terms" with everyone?? if thats the case - then i don't think we have too many problems...
However, something is telling me its something MORE than just being nice to all...
You know, we used to have a SS teacher when we were younger and she was one of those ppl who stood out. She walked Christ, talked Christ, breathed Christ... and i don't know exactly what it was about her, but you could tell she had unconditional love for everyone ... Perhaps when Christ takes ALL of you over like that - thats it - ... hmm...
Ok. Enough thinking out loud for now... let me know what you think unconditional love is...
God Bless y'all...
I think the example you cited with your old SS teacher proved the point about "effortless" love. Unconditional love is the love that Christ showed, spoke, breathed, acted in all the time. And because love is His nature and name, it was effortless for Him. Although He as a human felt the limits and pains of it, He still loved unconditionally. He was after all perfect.
To look at it practically, we just have to spend more time in prayer, reading the Bible, and spiritual exercises. We all do this to acquire the heart and mind of Christ so we can love without questioning. Even when the feelings seem so strong and we as humans want to hold back, the Spirit in us roars with the divine commandment of loving no matter what.
Unconditional love, from what I have learned and seen, is sacrifical love. Love that is centered in choice rather than feeling or circumstance. Love that is selfless and limitless. My best stab at a definition without rehashing the passage in 1 Corinthians. Unconditional love doesn't change or weaken with time or change in the person. If that person forgets us, leaves us, wants to trample us, does everything in her or his power to make sure we're hurt, our love doesn't change. Actually, the love gets stronger and the blaze lasts for longer. It's sorta like a slow burning fire on an altar rather than an all-powerful uber flame from a blow torch. It just sits on the
altar, burning faithfully. That's another thing. Unconditional love looks deep into the person and doesn't judge by the person or how the person is at the moment. In effect, unconditional love is loving someone with the eyes of Christ. The eyes that sees through everything and sees that helpless child in need of a Saviour.
I've said enough for now. Let me know if that made any sense.
sotirmou.
I perfectly understand your definition of unconditional love - it makes sense and all - but now back to the original question - can one love in that manner if they aren't "close" with people ???? [if i can use that word... ]
I didn't want to say "intimate" or "good friends" - but rather, that type of friendship that we spoke of at the start - like "best buds" style... [i think ???]
I'm sorry, i know thats the question you were asking - but i'm not sure i know the answer - i just went round a really big circle and got ya back exactly where you started :( I'm sorry :-[
Can we be "on good/great terms" with everyone [unconditional love terms] yet still keep our distance ???
[and there we are again - back to the original question... ]
I don't think i know the answer :-[
Hello Mary :D,
No, as Matt said, it is indeed Greek. But Matt lol, it's not ancient. It's Koine Greek - the Greek of the New Testament.
sotirmou
i knew that lol, but a lot is the same: Ego Eimi is still: I am
tou kosmou, stil means "of the world". Greek is such a confusing language though... i'll try and figure out what this means. I take latin at school for almost 5 years now, i should be able to translate it, but i suck at this subject lol :-[
me=my, mine etc
lacessit= 3 meanings; dare, attack, provoke
impune=unpunished
i have no clue what it would mean altogheter, anyone? ;D
maybe something like this: Nobody who provokes me will remain unpunished ???
No one injures (attacks) me with impunity
i was close lol , i'm gettin better at this :D
Greek is such a confusing language though...
Matt, no no no! Greek beautiful language! Hard and complex, but beautiful! You can express so much in Greek, almost anything. The only co-king with Greek in terms of expression is Arabic. Thus, they're both my favowit languages. ;D
Godchild, I think it was St. Paul of Thebes who said that you are called to love everyone, but to trust or depend on no one except God. This essentially means that we need to have a spiritual attachment to all people, even if we don't have our own personal or emotional attachment to them. So to those we can't bring ourselves to "like", we are still called to love them because that is the commandment of the Lord. So, yes, we can keep our distance but still love them as Jonathan loved David - as his own soul.
The "distance" you're talking about is allowing that person to approach us and for us to open up to them. This is also about trust and confidence. In Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, Solomon is always talking about being wise about how to deal with people. He is always saying mind how much you open up to others, what you say, and how you say things. I don't have the exact references, but you can easily find them. It's one of the minor themes of both books.
Not only is this really important with people in the context of social and spiritual relationships, but it is an imperative for servants. Servants are called to minister and tend to the Body of Christ. I once read in a brilliant article that servants are called to have a thick skin but a soft heart. The thick skin protects the heart from attacks, but the heart must be soft and warm so that when we allow people to see us or come in, they find the heart of Christ.
Hope this answers your questions now. These are just my thoughts. Let me know.
sotirmou.
[quote author=Hos irof link=board=1;threadid=543;start=15#msg10011 date=1094046440]
Greek is such a confusing language though...
Matt, no no no! Greek beautiful language! Hard and complex, but beautiful! You can express so much in Greek, almost anything. The only co-king with Greek in terms of expression is Arabic. Thus, they're both my favowit languages. ;D sotirmou.
i didnt say its not beautifull lol, i love the language, i just had such a hard time studying it :-[ I truly respect the language too, caus several parts of the bible were written in Greek, and it was an important language during the early times in church. Besides, it greatly helped me with learning to read coptic, almost the same alphabet :D
God bless! ;)
maybe u can look up for more of these sayings in latin, good exercise, i have to do a final exam in latin in may :-X...so thnx for that line NOTW ;)